Health & Fitness

Weight-loss hacks! Five internal organs you don’t actually need

By  | 

Looking for a quick way to drop some lbs? Look deep, deep inside of you – then decide which internal organs you could probably do without and get slashing.

1. Your appendix

Nobody knows what it actually does, and nobody wants to know. It sits in between your shit processors, doing sweet fuck all, until one day, for no reason, it becomes inflamed and ruptures, endangering your life and the lives of those around you (probably). It’s a layabout and a ticking time bomb. Get rid.

2. Your kidney

Let’s face it, you only need one. An additional kidney is just dead weight. Pick a side and throw it overboard.

3. Your stomach

Straight from your problem area. Want to get rid of that belly? Get rid of the underlying problem organ. And, as a bonus, you can’t overeat if you have no stomach.

4. Your heart

Your heart serves no biological function other than to be sad about boys, which makes you eat, which makes your scales angry, which makes it harder to attract boys, which makes you sad. It’s a vicious cycle – in fact, that’s what your heart is actually doing when it looks like it’s pumping blood around your body.

5. Your brain

Although not quite as large as a man’s, it’s still pretty heavy. A quick nip and tuck and everything will be just hjks sdhiofdhsjgfysigfaosjkdjal; .

Sara Gibbs

Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for Dead Ringers, The News Quiz and The Daily Mash. Sara crushes Wotsits into a fine powder before eating the remnants with her face (or with a teaspoon, in polite company).