Fashion

Retro! Trendy anti-vaxxers are bringing back these vintage diseases

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Woah, blast from the past. These preventable diseases were all the rage back in the day, and now, thanks to super awesome anti-vaccination activists, who think herd immunity is for sheeple, they’re making a comeback.

For you youngsters out there who weren’t around last time these infectious illnesses caught on like wildfire, here’s our cool kid’s guide to this latest parenting trend’s must-have retro diseases.

Pretty in polio

Poliomyelitis, or, to use its street name, polio, is perfect for people who want to lose all muscle strength for a few days, maybe even forever! If you get it as an adult, there’s a 15-30% chance of death, giving it a cool, dangerous edge.

Authentic, old-school measles

Leave yourself unvaccinated and measles could soon be all over you, like a bad rash. For hardcore measles enthusiasts, there’s the potential to take it even further, with some on-trend blindness, pneumonia and brain inflammation.

Whoop whoop! Whooping cough!

Are you up for a 100-day coughing challenge? It’s hardcore – so hardcore you might vomit or even break a couple of ribs (just in time to fit into your party season dresses). Yup, whooping cough is as fun as the name suggests.

My lovely lady mumps

It’s just like that sexy song… you give me feverrr… muscle pain, headaches and exhaustion followed by painful swelling of one or both parotid salivary glands. Hot stuff. Can lead to even sexier conditions, like deafness, pancreatitis, meningitis and, for that special guy in your life, testicular inflammation, possibly leading to infertility.

Remember, not everyone is as awesome as you and you might get some negative vibes from people harping on about statistics and immunocompromised kids and other boring shit they probably heard from their clueless doctor. Foolproof comebacks include:

“My intuition tells me…”

“I read it on greenalternativehealthbollocksdaily…”

“My friend Linda said…”

And “I’m not putting that crap in my kid’s body.”

Sara Gibbs

Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for Dead Ringers, The News Quiz and The Daily Mash. Sara crushes Wotsits into a fine powder before eating the remnants with her face (or with a teaspoon, in polite company).