Health & Fitness

Weight loss hack! How to spend every penny of your student loan before you’ve bought any food

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Let’s face it – unless you’re a trust fund baby, your first student loans instalment is probably the first time you’ve ever been in charge of any meaningful lump-sum cash. Ker-ching!

But don’t worry if you don’t have a clue how to competently manage your own finances; think of it as the perfect excuse to shed a few pounds by blowing every last penny before you’ve had a chance to say “tinned spaghetti”.

Instead of basic nutrition and your overall wellbeing, why not overindulge in the following:

Clubbing

Spend several hours queueing to get in so you can enjoy several more hours of queueing for drinks and queueing for the loos, while that girl you came with whose name you now can’t remember makes out with some guy who you’re pretty sure is a couple of decades older than everyone else in the club. You’re not sure what you managed to spend £160 on, and you’d rather not retrace your steps to find out.

Shopping

It’s only Primark – how much could you spend? A lot, is the answer. Plus, Primark is a gateway shop. It leads to a little foray into Topshop and before you know it, you’re in Anthropologie handing over your debit card to pay for a tulle dress nobody in their right mind can afford, and that you’ll never have a reason to wear. But it’s so pretty and luxurious! And, having spent all your baked beans money on it, you know it will fit like a dream.

Holidays

Everyone is off skiing over the Christmas hols and you don’t want to be a party pooper. Plus, paying for a holiday you can’t really afford is a surefire way to starve yourself enough to fit into one of those sexy little ski suits. Speaking of which, you’re going to need to buy one of those.

Generally existing

You swear when you went out today, you had a £20 note in your wallet. Why are you now scrambling for change for the bus back to halls? It’s a mystery, and one that can only be solved by looking at your bank statement. That’s so not happening.

By now you should be down to your last Pot Noodle, with three weeks to go until your next instalment. But don’t stress – subsisting solely on crusty leftovers from your housemates’ dirty washing up is a surefire way to shed some lbs!

Sara Gibbs

Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for Dead Ringers, The News Quiz and The Daily Mash. Sara crushes Wotsits into a fine powder before eating the remnants with her face (or with a teaspoon, in polite company).