Congratulations! You’ve moved in together. This is a wonderful time where you intimately get to know each other’s unique cacophony of bowel movement noises and learn to hate things about each other you didn’t even know existed yet.
But first, you’ll need to firmly let him know that his Star Wars bed set is destined for whatever the Star Wars afterlife is. Here are five adorable ways to show him that this is your town now.
1) Replace things slowly
Move too fast, and you’ll be rumbled quicker than he can say “hey, what happened to my lamp?” Start with small, easily forgotten items before working your way up to full furnishings.
2) Get a colour scheme going
A colour scheme is a universal excuse to chuck things that don’t go with the colour scheme. That shag rug? Clashed with the colour scheme. His hunter green curtains? Hideous with pale purple. His grandmother’s ashes? Creepy as fuck, those should be at his parents’ place, if anything.
3) Pee on some stuff
It’s yours now.
4) Redecorate his mortgage contract
Oh what? How’d your name get on that? Oh well, now it’s there, it would be a real hassle to change it back right, Matt? Right? Matt?
5) Change the locks
While you’re changing things, it makes sense. By now, you own the place anyway, I mean, he doesn’t even have any stuff there, and you don’t see his name on the mortgage. Enjoy your beautiful home in the peace and quiet. Matt who!!?
Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for The Now Show, Dead Ringers, The News Quiz and The Daily Mash. Sara crushes Wotsits into a fine powder before eating the remnants with her face (or with a teaspoon, in polite company).