Health & Fitness

Science! Cure for insomnia is reliving past humiliations

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The science is in, and it turns out the cure for insomnia is actually staring at the ceiling and replaying your most mortifying moments on loop.

“Conventional wisdom has been that obsessing or ruminating over past failures and humiliations is unhelpful,” explained leading sleepologist, Dr. Emma Bradbury, 38. “It turns out that doing so actually eventually, to use the scientific term, tuckers you out.”

Test study subject, Sienna Michaels, 24, was amazed with the results.

“Honestly, this has changed my life,” confessed Sienna. “I used to waste time on breathing exercises, reading, even sleeping pills – the last few nights I’ve just thought about that time I was 17 and my braces made me accidentally dribble on Matt Swift. Out like a light.”

“Everyone has painful, soul-destroying memories,” continued Dr. Bradbury. “Sometimes you have to dig deep to find them, because you may well have repressed them.”

“I encourage our subjects to think about awkward things they may have said or done, that time they met a celebrity and asked what they did for a living, or their most gut-wrenching sexual rejections. My go-to memory is that time I mispronounced ‘banal’ so it rhymed with ‘anal’ in front of my entire university English lecture. I find that once our subjects unlock one terrible memory, they fall into a natural spiral of self loathing… and eventually sleep.”

Sara Gibbs

Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for The Now Show, Dead Ringers, The News Quiz and The Daily Mash. Sara crushes Wotsits into a fine powder before eating the remnants with her face (or with a teaspoon, in polite company).