Love & sex

British couple does not “need any help” in sex shop

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A Surrey couple who wandered into a sex shop because they were “feeling a bit naughty” quickly realised they were way out of their depth, but had already become embroiled in an unspoken game of “sex shop chicken”.

Michael and Camilla Drake, both 32, popped into their local branch of Ann Summers to browse the array of flavoured lubricants on offer, but spent the 15-minute ordeal carefully avoiding eye contact with the other sex shoppers, and fending off the advances of friendly salespeople.

“It was hideous,” recalled Camilla. “A woman spoke actual words to us while we were surrounded by all sorts of… implements.”

“I nearly died on the spot when she told me to try a vibrator out on my nose, because if it made me sneeze it would definitely make me…” Camilla then trailed off, having descended into a violent coughing fit.

Husband Michael weighed in on the issue saying: “I don’t know what people are into these days, but that goes where?”

“It’s not that we’re prudish,” explained Camilla. “We’re just horribly repressed.”

Sara Gibbs

Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for The Now Show, Dead Ringers, The News Quiz and The Daily Mash. Sara crushes Wotsits into a fine powder before eating the remnants with her face (or with a teaspoon, in polite company).