Opinion

Money-saving hack! How to save money on Christmas presents by alienating your loved ones

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year! It’s also the most expensive time of the year. If, like many others, you’re feeling the pinch of seasonal generosity, don’t worry – we have one very simple hack for getting out of gift-giving obligations: systematically alienate everyone you know and love.

As the old saying goes, “if you love someone, let them go”. If they come back again, after Christmas is over for another year, then they were worth it… or something. Anyway, here are three effective ways to send your friends and family packing.

Point out their flaws

It turns out that honesty really is the best policy – if your end game is complete and utter social isolation. Start with the things you’ve always wanted to say to people, but avoided because you didn’t want to hurt their feelings. Your loved ones will be able to tell you really mean them.

Start confessing

That time you drunkenly made out with Abby’s boyfriend? Now is the perfect time to let her know. What really happened to Nana’s ashes? Funny story, actually, may she rest in peace. Get all of that pent-up guilt off your chest just in time for the holiday season.

Show no remorse

Your friends and family might still love you enough to forgive you, if you seem contrite, so make sure to let people know that you’re not even a bit sorry and that you’d do all of it again, given half the chance. You can apologise once you’re out of the seasonal danger zone.

By now, you should be totally alone, with nobody to bother you. On the flip side, you won’t get any presents either, but that’s OK. Spend the money you’ve saved on other people on crap for yourself, put your feet up and enjoy the silence.

Sara Gibbs

Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for The Now Show, Dead Ringers, The News Quiz and The Daily Mash. Sara crushes Wotsits into a fine powder before eating the remnants with her face (or with a teaspoon, in polite company).