Fashion

Jenny still depressed, just now wearing antlers

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A Cardiff woman with depression who was given a pair of glittery, festive antlers by a colleague pronouncing: “‘Tis the season to be jolly!” is still depressed, but is now also wearing antlers.

Previous gifts Jenny Barker, 28, has received from colleague Sheila Mann, 43, a believer in “mind over matter” and vegetable-based therapies, include a mindfulness colouring book, a set of soothing essential oils and a cuddly dog that sings Don’t Worry, Be Happy when you press its abdomen.

“I feel bad,” said Jenny, “because all I have ever bought her is a personalised edition of her favourite novel and an engraved gold necklace.”

Despite having no official medical qualifications, Sheila has read extensively around the subject of depression on Wikipedia and is always happy to offer her insights free of charge.

“I don’t think science is the answer,” she mused. “It’s more about letting yourself be happy, you know?’

“I was really excited when I first got the present,” said Jenny, who has been taking SSRI antidepressants since 2005. “I’ve tried everything: CBT, different medications, mindfulness. I thought these antlers might finally provide the answer.”

Unfortunately, after wearing them for 45 minutes, she still found herself clinically depressed. “If anything, the plastic headband the antlers are attached to hurts my scalp.”

Having lived with the crushing weight of depression all these years, Jenny concluded that it wasn’t much extra pain to just persevere wearing the antlers so as not to upset Sheila, who genuinely believes they have life-changing properties.

“It’s a Christmas miracle!” Exclaimed Sheila when she saw Jenny cracking a smile on the shop floor. “I just feel so warm inside knowing that my Christmas gift to her was the lifting of a lifelong burden!”

Emma Plowright

Emma Plowright is a comedian and veterinary student. She is not only self-absorbed and narcissistic, but also wonderful. When she's not neglecting her collection of succulent plants, Emma improvises with the Cambridge Impronauts, and is the co-founder of Stockings, an inclusive, all-female comedy troupe.