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Parenting! Hamster bought to teach child about death still very much alive

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A Brighton hamster whose entire purpose in life was to die, in order to teach a young child about death, has just celebrated his fourth birthday.

“When little Timmy was three, his parents thought it would be a great idea to make sure he understood the concept of mortality, before he started school,” explained Hammy the Hamster. “I reckon I was supposed to cark it about a year and a half ago, just in time for the start of term.”

However, Hammy defied the reaper, greatly exceeding his life expectancy of two and a half to three years.

Timmy has since started school and learned all about death by watching class bully, Andy Matherson, 7, squidge a spider.

“What’s my secret?” Grinned Hammy. “A healthy diet, plenty of exercise on my wheel and a lot of positive thinking. I’m definitely going to outlive these fuckers.”

Sara Gibbs

Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for The Now Show, Dead Ringers, The News Quiz and The Daily Mash. Sara crushes Wotsits into a fine powder before eating the remnants with her face (or with a teaspoon, in polite company).