Opinion

Homemade gifts to disappoint your loved ones with this Christmas

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It’s the thought that counts, right? Right? Of course not. Stick to the list, you fool. However, the rules of gift giving do state that the receiver must be grateful for whatever crap they’re given as long as it’s handmade. It’s a great little loophole for those of us who are low on cash and numb to resentment.

Here are some crafty gift ideas that’ll have your loved ones saying “er… thanks?” come Christmas morning.

Hand-knitted… I want to say hat?

Using wool found in a charity shop bargain bin and chopsticks leftover from last night’s takeaway, you can knit yourself a pretty decent… something. It’s fine, your mum loves you unconditionally, even if your Christmas present to her does look like it was coughed up by Bagpuss.

A door stop

For this one, all that’s needed is a can of baked beans and some imagination. In fact, any dense, heavy object will do. A jam jar filled with gravel, a rock you found in the park, a bible. Slather in PVA, sprinkle in glitter, et voila!

Infused spirits

Infusing is a great way of turning a cheap, barely drinkable bottle of vodka into a cheap, barely drinkable bottle of vodka that also tastes vaguely of Ribena. Your sister likes Aperol Spritz, this is kind of similar…

Photo collage

No one can refute the thoughtfulness of a photo collage. Even if you did just cut and paste a bunch of photos Facebook and sharpie “best friends forever” over the top.

Bath salts

Bath salts are a classic Christmas gift. Add an edgy twist by not bothering to take them out the grinder.

Billie Cooper

"Your daughter shows an aptitude for reading and writing, but can get wriggly during carpet time" was what Billie Cooper's year two teacher wrote on her report card back in 1997. In her 26-year existence, no combination of words have gotten closer to articulating the essence of Billie's soul.