Woman who has never wanted children finally has mind changed by relative during Christmas dinner

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An entrepreneur from Glasgow has finally been persuaded that children will make her feel complete by a woman identified only as “Aunty Sarah”. Aunty Sarah is reported to have said: “I just think it’s selfish of you not to force another human, screaming, into existence.”

Jessica Mitchell, 32, who is understood to have been eating a slice of turkey and minding her own business at the time, runs a successful coffee shop with her partner, Toby.

Aunty Sarah went on to say: “If you and Toby were really committed to each other, you’d want to spend less time together and more time with a completely new person you’ve never met before.”

“Running this coffee shop is all very well but you shouldn’t leave it too LATTE to have a BABYCCINO of your own. And besides, your mother wants grandchildren.”

Jessica’s mother was not available for comment, as she was busy listening to Aunty Sarah, who was shouting about how the roast potatoes would have tasted better if she had cooked them in goose fat.

Jessica explained: “Aunty Sarah has really opened my eyes to how my personal choices about my own life are wrong.”

“I’d previously only thought about the issue carefully and discussed it with my life partner, but my understanding of my own circumstances just wasn’t as developed as that of Aunty Sarah, who only talks to me once a year,” she admitted.

“I now accept that Christmas dinner is the right place to have these conversations. In light of Aunty Sarah’s comments, Toby and I have decided to start a family and immediately burn down our coffee shop.”

Toby Cauldwell, 34, added: “At least all our beans will be roasted!” before correcting himself, “Sorry, did I say beans? I meant dreams.”

Zoë Tomalin

Zoë is a comedian and assistant producer of TV shows, including ‘Room 101’. She is a former member of the Cambridge Footlights and regularly performs as part of high-energy deadpan sketch outfit, Siân & Zoë. Despite her novelty pink hair, Zoë is an insufferable nihilist, but none of this matters.