Health & Fitness

Woman who can’t absorb dairy or gluten absorbed own twin in womb

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A Leicestershire woman shocked her friends during a New Year’s Eve game of ‘never have I ever’, when she revealed that her tendency towards malabsorption did not extend to the placental membranes she once shared with her twin.

After one too many shots of hypoallergenic Baileys, Karen Krampus, 27, made the revelation to a suddenly silent party.

“I couldn’t believe it,” mused one friend, who had known her since birth. “Growing up, she couldn’t even manage a Frube or a Müller Corner.”

While Karen was in another room, seeking reassurance that she hadn’t over shared with a room full of near strangers, those who knew her better did note that she had a mole on her neck, which was a near replica of her own face (if you closed one eye, squinted and dimmed the lights).

“That is almost certainly the remnants of a twin,” said Neil Myers, 26, a man who got a B in GCSE biology in 2006, but had no other embryological qualifications, very loudly. “She can probably still hear it think.”

“It’s just really annoying,” lamented Karen. “Twin absorbing isn’t useful to me in everyday life, whereas I can’t even have sour cream on my fajitas, or bread that doesn’t taste like MDF.”

Emma Plowright

Emma Plowright is a comedian and veterinary student. She is not only self-absorbed and narcissistic, but also wonderful. When she's not neglecting her collection of succulent plants, Emma improvises with the Cambridge Impronauts, and is the co-founder of Stockings, an inclusive, all-female comedy troupe.