Hollywood exclusive! Party girl’s right nostril petitions for time off
Hollywood: a land so elusive it needs its own sign so people actually know where it is. Luckily, our girl on the ground, Sara Scully, is here to give us the inside scoop on Tinseltown.
A Los Angeles woman’s right nostril, battered and bloodied, has pleaded with her 105-pound tyrant of an employer for a leave of absence.
“When Jessica snorted that mysterious white powder, I honestly figured it was a one-time thing. I mean, she was pretty drunk. And her girlfriends were right, it did help to sober her up,” Jessica’s right nostril reasoned. “Then, I was getting hit with a blizzard a few times a month. And now it’s guaranteed every weekend.”
Around 4am last Saturday, Jessica’s right nostril began feeling warm and febrile. Within moments, it was uncontrollably gushing blood. “I could tell even Jessica was shocked, but her girl gang assured her she was fine.” Never questioning her regime, they continued onwards to the next unnecessary after-hours lounge. “I mean, she was fine. I, however, was not.”
With two months still left in the semester, Jessica’s right nostril doesn’t know how much more it can take, especially if Jessica derails during midterms.
“She’s noticed a rapid decrease in her appetite, which got rid of her freshman 15. I don’t see any end in sight. I had to finally ask for a vacation from this weekly ski trip. It shouldn’t be an issue – she has a perfectly good left nostril!” Not wanting to throw the left nostril under the bus, Jessica’s right nostril feels it has no other choice. “Her left nostril doesn’t have to do anything! I’ve taken on this entire workload myself! I reminded Jessica that even her gums can help out!”
After a brief deliberation, Jessica decided to deny her right nostril’s request for time off, continuing to shove short straws, dollar bills, even tampon applicators up there to get that 20-minute high.
Following the semester’s end, Jessica’s right nostril was terminated without notice. It has since been replaced with an Adderall prescription, who works just as efficiently and costs Jessica less money.
Jessica’s right nostril declined to comment, as it’s taking time to heal.