Love & sex

Five Valentine’s gifts that will make you think “that’ll do!”

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As Valentine’s Day approaches, so does the difficult task of finding a unique and special gift that really encapsulates your personal love and commitment, so probably best not to try. Instead, here are some gorgeous present ideas that will avoid resentment and a day of passive-aggressive sulking, without breaking the bank!

For her

Scented candles

Nothing says romance more than a bath filled with bubbles and rose petals, surrounded by scented candles to add that extra frisson of a heightened risk of small burns.

Don’t worry too much about which scent to pick, the smell of burnt hair will quickly be overpowering.

If you’re feeling especially spicy, why not join her in the tub so you can share the intimacy of marinating in each other’s dead skin and bodily secretions in an unyielding hard plastic vat? It’s like a love soup!


For a modern twist on a classic choice, why not try a multipack of funsize bars you can share, while pretending to be giants? Or keep it traditional with a luxury box of handcrafted chocolates and just watch the greedy bitch stuff her face.


All women like flowers, which is why they love seeing them ripped up and stuck in a vase so they can watch them slowly wither and die. You know what else women love? Babies!


There’s not a woman alive, who won’t swoon when being handed a wad of cash with the message: “Go treat yourself.”  Fellas, you can be sure you’re generosity will be rewarded in the bedroom! In fact, what could be more romantic than a bundle of Valentine’s cash handed over in a post-coital embrace? Why not give it a try this year and see your lady go wild?

For him

Ladies, before you say: “Wait, what the merry fuck is this? We’re supposed to buy him something now?” just remember that equality comes at a price, and if you want to keep your name without him making a massive deal about it in the future, it’s good to put the groundwork in early.


Pretty much anything is fine. Just stick a rose on your dinner, even if he buys it and cooks it – it’s still adorable. After all, as every girl knows, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, despite all the evidence suggesting that it’s actually through his cock.

Jenny Laville

Jenny is a comedy writer with credits including The News Quiz, The Now Show, NewsJack, Huffpost and lots of other stuff far too impressive to mention. Jenny also does stand-up and is part of sketch group ‘Rule of Three’, though she tends to work from home as she is ‘a bit much’ in real life.