Man quietly confident this Instagram comment will make Rihanna notice him

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An accounts executive from Hemel Hempstead feels positive that his comment on Rihanna’s latest Instagram post will finally be the one that grabs her attention.

“I play quite a complex game,” explained Alan Martin, 28. “I try to alternate between complimenting her boobs, bum and lovely hair with the odd teasing insult.”

“Every now and then, I just won’t comment on her latest picture at all, just to keep her guessing, even though I will definitely still look at it,” he continued. “My tactics seem spur-of-the-moment, but they’re actually all really planned and thought through”.

After years of no response from the global megastar, Alan feels sure that his latest comment will finally be the one that kickstarts a conversation.

“I think this is the best one yet,” said Alan. “‘Looking gorgeous.’ It’s simple. It’s clear. It’s funny. It’s concise. It says that I’m a safe pair of hands, but also that I have a bit of a flirty side. She’ll have to realise that I’m the kind of guy who is worth her attention, because I’m not just another ‘yes man’ or one of those freaks who comments on all of her pictures and videos. I say it like it is and that’s what sets me apart from those dickhead singers or Saudi billionaires she wastes her time with.”

When asked whether his interest was sexual, Alan responded that it absolutely isn’t. “I just think we have similar opinions about things and we’d really get along.”

When questioned about his comments, Alan’s girlfriend Sarah Blaine, 27, responded by laughing and saying “good luck to him.”

“It’s fine,” Alan commented recently, after reporting that, in the days following the comment, he did not receive a direct message from Rihanna inviting him to her LA mansion for a Jameson and Ginger cocktail. “She’s getting kind of fat for me anyway.”

Matilda Curtis

Matilda Curtis is a writer for the stage, screen and iPhone notes section. She lives in south London. She is the editor and co-creator of DITZY, a comedy website, established as a space to share the hidden side of our lives (the insecurities, rejections, self-doubt) we don't tend to broadcast on social media. You can follow her on Twitter and Instagram.