Beauty

Three lip colours that look great on fucking Sandra from accounts, but not you

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Fucking Sandra from accounts is at it again. She’s trying out yet another bold new lip, and somehow manages to pull off every single colour on the fucking spectrum. Meanwhile you? Not so much. Oh, you’ve tried a statement pout, but you always end up looking like a serial killer clown with jaundice.

Here’s a quick rundown of the colours she’s conquered this season. All with a smug smile on her stupid face.

Plum

Come on. No-one should wear ‘plum’. You questioned whether anyone ever could wear ‘plum’. It washes everyone out. At least that’s what you used to think. Sandra looks as radiant as the aurora fucking borealis as she breezes into the communal kitchen to make her second green tea of the day. Flashing her berry grin at everyone — she really is shameless.

Brick red

Fucking Sandra wore this a couple of weeks ago and she still gets compliments for it. Who remembers a lipstick? Apparently your colleague, Darren, does because he won’t stop going on about it. It didn’t even get smeared when she started eating dried mango in the middle of your presentation. If anything, the yellow snack set the colour off nicely. Fucking Sandra.

Frosted pink

This pink is frostier than fucking Sandra’s cold, cold soul. You were running for the elevator on Tuesday and she literally saw you and she let the door close knowing full well that you were already late. Why? Because she’s fucking Sandra.

Rhiannon Shaw

Rhiannon is a comedian and writer from Wolverhampton. She is a member of the Cambridge Footlights, as well as a keen hunter-gatherer. Rhiannon has been UTI-free since 2016.