Beauty

Beauty essentials: why I don’t go anywhere without this damp rag

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Serums, oils, mousses, primers, lavas. There’s an ever-growing number of beauty products available to us. Sometimes the level of choice can feel overwhelming. I’m a low-maintenance gal who can’t be doing with the faff of an elaborate beauty regime. I like to keep things simple. Which is why there’s only one beauty product I won’t go anywhere without: it’s versatile, it’s multipurpose, it’s low cost, it’s… a damp rag.

Not only can you use your rag to cleanse your face and body, it’s also great for scrubbing toothpaste off of freshly laundered shirts, wiping crusty food residue out of the corners of acquaintances’ mouths and (in case of emergencies) shoving into your knickers in place of a sanitary pad.

I like to keep my rag in a Ziploc® bag so that it retains its moistness while I’m on the go. This also helps keep the rag’s distinct mould smell contained. While I enjoy my rag’s unique mustiness, I must admit, it’s not to everyone’s taste. Colleagues have likened the smell to a festering gym towel, or an abandoned shoe drenched in inner-city pond water. But don’t let this put you off. Your rag isn’t coated in synthetic (and probably carcinogenic) perfumes like most products on the market. This is what natural beauty smells like, guys.

But isn’t your rag a hotbed for bacteria? Yes, it is, but it’s that good sort of bacteria, like the stuff you get in Activia or sauerkraut. So, don’t worry, the initial outbreak of violent acne you experience when you first start using your rag isn’t a response to gross, dirty bacteria; it’s the nice bacteria expelling all the toxins that were hiding in your pores already. All those swollen, oozing pimples are just evidence that your rag is doing its job.

And finally, best of all, your damp rag comes with a lifetime guarantee! The only maintenance required is the occasional rinsing, to ensure your rag remains at the optimal level of dampness.

So, what you waiting for? Join the rag revolution today!

Billie Cooper

"Your daughter shows an aptitude for reading and writing, but can get wriggly during carpet time" was what Billie Cooper's year two teacher wrote on her report card back in 1997. In her 26-year existence, no combination of words have gotten closer to articulating the essence of Billie's soul.