Career

Freelancer quits job to concentrate on signing for neighbours’ parcels

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A freelance writer from Seven Sisters has packed in her job to focus on signing for every Amazon delivery within a ten-mile radius of her house.

Chloe Hartleman, 28, had been working from home on a collection of political essays, but after three months, it became clear that her true vocation was answering the door 500 times a day.

“Almost as soon as I went freelance I realised my neighbours were taking advantage of the fact I was at home in the day, even though I was working like everyone else,” said Chloe, signing for a parcel the shape of a Border Collie, but the size of a coconut.

“In the first two days, my neighbours had me sign for a chest freezer, a set of elite knives and the book American Psycho. From that point the word just spread and before I knew it I was signing for packages from all over the city. To avoid the commute, some of my neighbours even started posting themselves home.”

“By the third month, I had spent so much time trying to write legibly on the digital signature machine that I forgot how to write any words other than my name,” she continued. “Obviously this was a bit of an impediment to being a writer and after my thinkpiece ‘CHLOE HARTLEMAN CHLOE HARTLEMAN CHLOE HARTLEMAN’ was rejected, I decided it was time to change careers.”

Despite the sudden job move, Chloe said she was happy with her new life as a parcel greeter:

“In a way, it’s exactly like being a freelance writer: I complete all the work I have been employed to do to a professional standard, but when I invoice for my labour nothing happens.”

“I’ll be laughing when I default on my rent this month though, because if I’m evicted, who will sign for all these fucking parcels?”

Zoë Tomalin

Zoë is a comedian and assistant producer of TV shows, including ‘Room 101’. She is a former member of the Cambridge Footlights and regularly performs as part of high-energy deadpan sketch outfit, Siân & Zoë. Despite her novelty pink hair, Zoë is an insufferable nihilist, but none of this matters.