Beauty

Crumbs found in bra are only clues to how hungover woman ended her night

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A very hungover woman from Peterborough has taken to examining the contents of her bra to piece together what happened the night before.

Lucy James, 22, said, “we had a crazy girl’s night out last night. The last I remember properly is us all getting kicked out of Charters at about 1:30 when Amy took her knickers off at the bar.”

“Then there was a big argument in the street and no one knew what it was about. A couple of splinter groups broke off and I don’t know which one I was in.”

Lucy lost her phone at some point the night before, so can’t rely on tried and tested techniques, such as looking through snapchat or group chats to help her work it out. “I woke up still fully dressed and could feel crumbs in my bra.  It was like all the pieces fell into place in my mind.”

“Pitta crumbs, salt and a small drop of chilli sauce tells me I had a kebab. That means I must have been with Jen and Aneesa because Jen can’t end a night without carbs. Aneesa lives two doors down from Kebab King, so it was probably that one we went to.”

Also found in Lucy’s bra were £3.27, a tissue, and biscuit crumbs. “I always have a cup of tea and a biscuit after a night out, yesterday obviously was no exception.”

“This is the bit that throws me,” Lucy said, pointing to something small and round. Lucy’s friend Grace Campbell, 21, suggested it looks like a dried lentil from a bag of Bombay mix and the colour drains from Lucy’s cheeks.

“My ex lives near Aneesa and loves Bombay mix. I hate the stuff, it gets fucking everywhere. Oh god, I must have gone to his house. Shit. Jen was supposed to keep me away from there but obviously put her hunger above my emotional well being.”

Jen Sanders, 21, another friend, confirmed Lucy had left with her and Aneesa. “Lucy started a huge argument in the street and then just pissed off saying she didn’t know what anyone was talking about. We just wanted to go home but had to follow her to make sure she was OK. She insisted on a kebab and then shagging her ex. I gave up and got a pizza. Good luck to her.”

Sophie May

Sophie May is a comedy writer from Peterborough and is studying a PhD in sitcoms. Sophie is 28 years old and still thinks jokes about poo and wanking are very funny. She once choked on a fake moustache.