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Scariest thing about “spooky” Halloween-themed cookie the relentless march of consumerism

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That’s right, we live in a dystopian nightmare, and maybe you would have noticed if you weren’t busy shovelling orange-iced biscuit into your dumb mouth.

No quantity of hastily-rebranded baked goods should distract us from the fact that our society is driven by apocalyptically wasteful consumption, so Succubus has spoken to Halloween fans about the moment they realised October 31st was just another celebration of buying crap.

Jen Cooper, 26, a PR assistant wearing a “Basic Witch” t-shirt, told us about her experience purchasing a “spooky” eyeshadow palette:

“As I was buying some black eyeshadow that had been half-arsedly packed into a skull-shaped box, I thought – this isn’t scary at all. But then I remembered the systematic oppression that makes it possible to buy eyeshadow for £2.99, and I spent the rest of the day shaking in terror.”

Rachel Smith, 22, had similar thoughts whilst trying to buy “chilling” ghost-shaped ice lollies:

“At first, I didn’t think that a vanilla-flavoured milk product could frighten me, but then I started thinking about the horrors of industrialised dairy production and I ran screaming from the frozen food aisle.”

Our final interviewee, Christina Ronaldo, 27, was disturbed by an expensive Halloween costume made in an unsafe factory by workers living in poverty:

“Yes, I do think that a £100 spooky pumpkin costume built on the suffering of others is emblematic of society in decline, but maybe I shouldn’t have said that to the 7 year-old wearing it.”

Zoë Tomalin

Zoë is a comedian and assistant producer of TV shows, including ‘Room 101’. She is a former member of the Cambridge Footlights and regularly performs as part of high-energy deadpan sketch outfit, Siân & Zoë. Despite her novelty pink hair, Zoë is an insufferable nihilist, but none of this matters.