Astrology enthusiast avoids horoscope, fears spoilers

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An avid believer in astrology has decided to avoid reading her horoscope for fear of accidentally reading a spoiler.

Maria Berger, 24, from Cheltenham, said: “I’ve always found my horoscopes spookily accurate, but lately they’ve just been too accurate, you know? Like the other day, my horoscope told me that a recent difficulty and source of frustration would soon be resolved, and then I finally dislodged a stubborn bit of popcorn that had been stuck to the roof of my mouth for ages. I don’t think any reasonable person could call that a coincidence.”

“I just think it would have been much more exciting and rewarding if I hadn’t known that was going to happen. I’m a typical Gemini – I love surprises.”

She continued: “Then the next day it told me that I was going to come into some money and then I found 50p in what I thought was just a miscellaneous pile of foreign and defunct currency from past holidays. I mean, come on – spoiler alert!”

“The final straw was on Tuesday when my horoscope said it would be sunny all day and then it was. Although, on second thoughts, that maybe have been the weather forecast. Either way, I’m not risking it again.”

“It’s just sucking all the joy and mystery out of my life,” added Maria, “I used to read my horoscopes for a bit of light guidance. If I wanted an exact blow-by-blow account of how my life was about to unfold, I’d visit a psychic.”

Sara Gibbs

Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for The Now Show, Dead Ringers, The News Quiz, The Daily Mash and The Mash Report. Sara makes it her business to be at least five years behind the latest trends, so she can devote more time to her Tamagotchi.