Help! Only one of my boobs is feminist

A Southampton woman has begun harbouring fears that one of her boobs might not, in fact, be a feminist.

“One of them is definitely down to further the progress of equal rights, but I sometimes catch the other one trying to justify the pay gap,” confessed Clare Hawthorne, 24. “I’m confused, because I thought both of Emma Watson’s boobs were feminist, but now it turns out neither of them are. Or maybe they are, but only when they’re not under a giant scarf.”

We’ve all been there: minding our own business on the bus, when we realise someone’s giving our boob a creepy stare. The culprit? The other boob. And it’s giving it a score out of ten.

But don’t panic: there are few easy and fun ways to check the feminist credentials of your mammaries. Does one unselfconsciously laugh at jokes about “women drivers”? Do they pass the Bechdel Test? Try gauging each one’s opinion on the level of media coverage of women’s football. The sooner you take action, the better.

It took Clare a long time to realise what was happening, as Lefty was, she now realises, gaslighting her.

“There wasn’t a chapter about this in The Second Sex. I wish I could go back to just having to worry about one being slightly bigger and saggier than the other,” Clare told us wistfully.

“Last week I caught it in a strip club, protesting that it was the only place to get a beer at that time of night on Tottenham Court Road.”