Ker-CHING! Women set to earn almost 10 sides of the new 12-sided pound coin

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The new 12-sided pound coin launches today, with UK women looking forward to taking home a whole 10 sides’ worth.

While men will be lugging home an awkward dozen of sides, women everywhere are rejoicing at taking home a perfect ten (well technically 9.84 if we’re taking the gender pay gap to be at the government’s estimate of 18%, but hey, who’s counting anyway? A new pound! Look how shiny it is! You could eat your dinner off it if your dinner was small enough and if you want it to taste of money!)

The new coin is thinner and lighter than the fatter, older, shit pound and contains a silver-coloured middle with a gold-coloured outer ring, presumably designed as another fun visual metric to illustrate the extra work women have to put in to ‘go for gold’ and earn as much as their male colleagues.

There are many new security features in the new coin, which include:

  • Experts repeatedly calling it the “most secure coin ever”, which is sure to reassure the new pound, boost its self worth, and make sure it doesn’t burst into tears at any mention of the old pound.
  • A hologram in which the ‘£’ symbol changes to a number ‘1’ if viewed from a different angle and then changes again to a hologram of Beyoncé performing ‘Run the World’ if you don’t eat for a few days and stare at it hard enough.

The new coins are set to completely replace the old ones by October 15th, by which point, the pound’s value will likely have crashed to unprecedented lows.  This could lead to potential hyperinflation, which would leave both sexes bankrupt and destitute, which you have to admit is a pretty creative way to achieve equality.

Cameron Loxdale

Cameron is a comedy writer and producer who has written for Newsjack and The Leak, plus a bunch of sketches, podcasts and shorts. His name is an anagram of Relaxed Cool Man, despite him being barely one out of three. The irony of a straight white man offering hot feminist takes is lost on him and it refuses to ask for directions.