Government says women’s feet “can fuck off”

Calls for a ban on female employees being forced to wear heels at work have been placed firmly in the bin marked “clearly very sensible ideas, but we just can’t be arsed”.

The government, instead, will issue new guidelines on dress codes in the summer, and judging by today’s ruling, we can expect an exciting beachwear update to the working wardrobe: comfy shorts for the boys, and for the girls: bikini bottoms made of actual sand.

Under the current guidelines men are required to dress to an “equivalent level of smartness”. However, the only men currently obeying the ‘heels rule’ are professional stilt walkers and that bloke off the Money Supermarket advert.

Many people are feeling incredibly let down by the ruling. London-based Suzi Adams, 34, whose employer makes her wear heels to work said, “OH CHRIST MY FEET HURT SO MUCH PLEASE SOMEONE JUST CUT THEM OFF!”

No news yet on whether campaigners will seek to challenge the ruling, but a new initiative was launched today that will hopefully allow women forced to wear heels to work to get around company policy by adding a second heel to the front of the shoe, thus creating flats.