Health & Fitness

Woman who used bath salts to ease back pain still in pain, just saltier

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A Bristol woman was left disappointed after a jar of salt failed to cure her chronic back and neck pain.

“I’ve suffered from excruciating ongoing back and neck pain for about seven years, now,” explained Freya Cob, 29.

“I’ve tried absolutely everything. I’ve been to the doctor, referred on to the pain management clinic, I’ve tried massage therapy, physiotherapy osteopathy… I’ve even been desperate enough to go to a chiropractor. Absolutely nothing worked. But then I was talking to my friend, Anna, and she was all ‘have you tried bath salts?’ and I was like, ‘actually… no. No, I haven’t’.”

“I was amazed, I couldn’t believe Anna had been sitting on a miracle cure this whole time,” added Freya.

Freya visited her nearest pharmacy, where she purchased a large own-brand jar of dead sea bath salts, before returning home, drawing a bath and administering the recommended amount of product. She then sank into the bath and waited for the throbbing pain in her upper vertebrae to disappear.

“Nothing fucking happened,” said Freya. “I just lay there for twenty minutes, stewing in my own filth, and came out with nothing to show for it, except a thin film of salt on my skin that my cat tried to lick off.”

Freya has high hopes for a YouTube video advertising pain relief ‘binaural beats’ soundwaves.

“It can’t hurt,” she explained, one tear rolling down her cheek.

Sara Gibbs

Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for The Now Show, Dead Ringers, The News Quiz, The Daily Mash and The Mash Report. Sara makes it her business to be at least five years behind the latest trends, so she can devote more time to her Tamagotchi.