Love & sex

Idiot bastard crush refuses to act like Sophie’s boyfriend

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A Borehamwood woman is very cross indeed because her stupid, oblivious crush has not been behaving in a boyfriendly way.

Sophie Donovan, 25, says: “I bumped into Dave at Morrison’s yesterday, and he gave me a friendly hug and asked how I was. He didn’t even kiss me on the face, or anything. It was so rude.”

“I’ve met him twice now down the pub with the girls, and while I’ve not said a great deal in front of him, in case I blurt something out about my period acne, I’ve been putting out one hell of a vibe. He’s definitely ignoring it out of spite.”

“If he’s not going to sweep me off my feet in the sauces aisle and carry me home for a night of passionate lovemaking, then he’s clearly a total arsehole, and not worth my time.”

Dave Mitchell, 26, says: “Wait, which one’s Sophie?”

Sara Gibbs

Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for The Now Show, Dead Ringers, The News Quiz, The Daily Mash and The Mash Report. Sara makes it her business to be at least five years behind the latest trends, so she can devote more time to her Tamagotchi.