Harsh, unforgiving high street changing room lighting is to be used as a way to extract information from uncooperative witnesses, a secret services source has confirmed.
The technique will borrow elements of lighting from popular chain stores, combined with enforced staring into magnification mirrors, usually intended for tweezing.
Our source, who wished to remain anonymous for his own protection, said: “our lighting, inspired by a recent trip to buy a new T-shirt, will expose every wrinkle, blemish, clogged pore and previously unnoticed errant hair.”
He continued: “The subject will be made to simultaneously stare into a mirror designed to magnify the skin and lower the self esteem.”
He added: “Initial tests have proved 100% effectiveness. After they’ve finished asking if they really look like that, they tell us everything they need to know.”
Early test subjects are said to be recovering well in hospital, through dim lighting therapy and high doses of the Snapchat beauty filter.
Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for The Now Show, Dead Ringers, The News Quiz, The Daily Mash and The Mash Report. Sara makes it her business to be at least five years behind the latest trends, so she can devote more time to her Tamagotchi.