Facial toners that’ll melt your face clean off like that bit in Raiders of The Lost Ark

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From plain old water to eye-watering acid, it’s hard to know what you’re getting when it comes to toner. But one thing we do know is the more it burns when you put it on your face, the better it probably is for you.

We’ve put together this Indiana Jones-themed list of toners that’ll burn that horrible old layer of skin you had right off and leave you with lovely new charred flesh and bones.

Here are our top picks for when you want your face to sting like it’s trapped in a vortex of flame as the Ark turns its fury on your skin.

Temple of Doom

This one does what it says on the tin; rub it on your temples and all your skin will feel like it’s a ritual human sacrifice to the god of beauty. Owie!

The Last Crusade

Like drinking from the Holy Grail, this toner will provide eternal youth, but if you choose the wrong brand you could literally melt into dust.

Kingdom of The Crystal Skull

Truly the worst of all the toners, this one should never have been made. Honestly, who decided it was a good idea to make this? Shame on you. Your face will feel like it’s in another dimension, but unfortunately that dimension is dominated by a rubbish, money-hungry industry willing to soil the name of toners for a bit of cash. Your skull will look great, though.

Kat Sadler

Kat is a comedian, writer and mentally unwell bisexual. She's written for a whole bunch of shows like Frankie Boyle's New World Order, The Mash Report, The Jonathan Ross Show, The News Quiz, The Daily Mash and her own stuff too, thanks for asking. Check out her sad little blog here