Gateway to hell discovered at London Primark

The opening to the hellmouth has been discovered by shoppers at the really big Primark on Tottenham Court Road.

Alison Groves, 24, who only went in for some multipacks of pants and to maybe treat herself to a pair of novelty pyjamas, said: “I was in the 100-person-strong queue when I noticed that the store seemed to be heating up. At first, I put it down to the stress of being in the queue at Primark, but when my eyebrows started to singe, I realised it was more than that.”

“Then I saw it, a mystical, swirling inferno had formed right around the accessories section, with ghouls and demons just pouring out of it. It was terrifying! People were screaming and running, but still, weirdly, stopping on the way out for last-second makeup wipes and lip balms.”

Laura Parsons, 18, a Primark employee said: “I don’t know what everyone was so worked up about. That’s just a normal Saturday here.”