Drunk girl informs everyone at party that she is, in fact, drunk

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A student at Newcastle University took diligent steps last night to ensure that fellow house party guests were aware of her inebriation.

“I’d had two and a quarter beers, and I was very drunk,” said Abbie Reynolds, 19. “I decided to honour this achievement by repeatedly announcing the fact that I was drunk to every single person in the immediate vicinity.”

Having informed each of the guests individually, Abbie ensured that everyone collectively was aware of the fact that she was well and truly plastered by shouting the words “Guys! Guess what? I’m drunk! But shhhh – it’s a secret!” over the karaoke machine.

She then performed an emotional version of Beyoncé’s ‘Single Ladies’ before calling her ex and leaving him a ten-minute-long voicemail of her sobbing down the phone.

Abbie then took to social media, tweeting 140 characters’ worth of the phrase ‘so fucking drunk rn’ and updating her Facebook status to ‘Just wanNa remind every1 to alwys B UrSelf Ha8ers goNna hate xoXoxOox’ before replacing it three minutes later with ‘Am drunk lol’. She then posted a selfie on Instagram, taken with a girl who she had met in the toilets.

“We were both very drunk and we decided that was a solid basis for a lifelong friendship,” said Abbie. “We promised each other that we would absolutely totally definitely meet up like literally every single day and then we sealed the pact by taking a selfie. Then I threw up in the sink.”

Joanne Sarginson

Joanne is a writer, blogger and cartoonist who has been featured in The Metro and on Channel 4. She writes and illustrates on her blog where she expresses her views on dogs, social awkwardness and other life-affirming subjects. Her other hobbies include eating, peeling plastic screen protectors off electronic devices and performing pretend OSCAR acceptance speeches in front of the mirror.