Six super cute vintage looks that haven’t been washed since 1997

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There’s nothing millennials love more than trying to wear their childhoods, like a Xanax with armholes. Et voila: enjoy these six totally rad outfits that’ll have all your friends saying, “dear loving spirit of Christ, what’s that smell?!”

1. Grungy windbreaker

Like Jared Leto, this XXL neon windbreaker has got an edgy, grungy look that says “I haven’t been washed since 1997”. But, like Macaulay Culkin, it really hasn’t. Wear it to Matt’s 25th, and find some incredibly old molly in an inside pocket.

2. Crinkly swimwear

Swimwear time! This gorgeous and bang-on-trend floral one-piece once belonged to an old lady who spent most of 1996 sipping Zombies by the pool of a Floridian retirement village. But will the chlorine have washed away all the residual Vagisil? Don’t have a cow, man!!

3. Distressed cycling shorts

These silver bike shorts were worn to a rave at the historic Hacienda before it closed. They’re infused with the rebellious spirit of acid house, and the very real acid of regurgitated Bacardi Breezer. ‘Ave it!

4. Glowing pants!

These £4 neon hi glow phat pants weren’t glowing back when they were manufactured back in 1992. What’s their deal, man? Hey! Don’t question it!

5. Gladiator armour

This genuine Gladiator costume was really worn in an audition by a would-be Gladiatorial superstar called Wingsplayer back in the late ’90s. Unfortunately blood, crotch sweat, and tears were not enough for Wingsplayer to make it onto the series. It’s totally hygienic, dude. NOT!

6. Your mother’s anniversary dinner dress

She hasn’t worn it since her eighth wedding anniversary, but nor has she seen fit to get rid of it. There’s some boeuf bourguignon on the sleeve, and, come to think of it, has she ever been truly happy since your childhood? The time seems right to swoop in and rock this on your next Bumble date.

Catherine Brinkworth

Brinky is a writer with credits on BBC Radio 4 Extra's Newsjack. One day her autobiography will be called Brinky and the Pain.