How to over invest in a soap opera to the point you get bereavement leave when a character dies

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Reality is depressing and stressful. It’s full of people making frustrating decisions, being terrible at communicating, and lying and cheating their way through life.

Who can blame you for wanting a bit of escapism into a world full of people making frustrating decisions, being terrible at communicating, and lying and cheating their way through life… but while being very good looking?

There’s only one way to watch a soap. You’re either in or you’re out (people who say they watch ‘on and off’ are just bare-faced liars). And given how invested you already are, you might as well go the whole hog and claim the extra time off work that you deserve every time a character dies. Here’s how to set the scene for when the inevitable happens.

Watch religiously

In fact, it’ll only strengthen your case to refer to said soap as your religion on your HR paperwork. That way, you get religious holidays off, too. Your employers will totally understand that it’s the religious holiday of Gary and Terese’s wedding on Neighbours. Otherwise, they’re just bigots.

Talk relentlessly about the characters (and refer to them as friends)

My goodness, your friend Amy has a dramatic life in her home town of Hollyoaks. If anything were to ever happen to her, or anyone she knows, you’d obviously need some time off to deal with the trauma.

Leave reality behind

You don’t need reality anymore. You have Eastenders. And Corrie. And Home and Away. To truly over invest, soap operas need to be all you have – so make sure you cut all of your superfluous loved ones out of your life so you can focus on the people who really matter.

Sara Gibbs

Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for The Now Show, Dead Ringers, The News Quiz, The Daily Mash and The Mash Report. Sara makes it her business to be at least five years behind the latest trends, so she can devote more time to her Tamagotchi.