Parenting! School has zero-tolerance bullying policy, unless child has really stupid name

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A Worthing school has announced that it will take a hard line on bullying, except in cases where the child has an absolutely ludicrous name, and is therefore asking for it.

In a statement, Larksfield Primary said: “We will be introducing new measures to root out and tackle bullying wherever we find it, unless the child has a name that rhymes with a funny word, like ‘Billy’, ‘Lee’ or ‘Regina’.”

“Children are highly creative, and we simply cannot waste school resources on preventing cruel chants pertaining to any individual’s name. That’s a full-time job.”

In a leaked 50-page list, which was sent to parents last week, other exempt names included: Apple, Batgirl, Ziggy, Avocado, Vestibule, Button, Frozen, Finalé, Harley Quinn, Eleven, Audio Science, Bag For Life, Pulp Fiction, Poison Ivy, Se7en, 4OD, Blackout, Safeword, Dishwasher, Hashtag and Sixtus.

The statement concluded: “In the interests of equality, we are also happy for children to continue to bully staff members with comical names. We regret the resignation of Mr. Harry Dick, but really, his parents should have thought that one through.”

Co-written by Kat Sadler

Sara Gibbs

Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for The Now Show, Dead Ringers, The News Quiz, The Daily Mash and The Mash Report. Sara makes it her business to be at least five years behind the latest trends, so she can devote more time to her Tamagotchi.