How to keep so many succulents that your life just becomes the plot of Little Shop of Horrors

It’s well established that succulents are a great alternative to friends. They brighten up any space, be it a desk, shelving unit or depressive internal abyss. Succulents are to millennials are what dying of the great plague was to the people of 1664.

A keen modern botanist will know there are lots of distinct types to choose from: The green spiky one, the green spiky one with red bits and the hungry flesh-eating one that sings with an excellent baritone. The original seeds for an alien plant may be expensive, but remember it is an investment, and you will make it all back when you sell the movie rights.

You’ll need a love interest to creepily name your plant after, but that shouldn’t be hard, what with all the extra fame and attention that having a succulent that looks slightly different to all your other ones brings!

If you don’t happen to have the corpse of a leather-clad Steve Martin lying around, there are plenty of alternatives to feed your plant. Wafer thin ham, the left overs from a hearty stew or even one of the more convincing Linda Mcartney meat substitutes are all totally acceptable.

Be careful, though: a wandering mother, wayward dog or suspicious boss can all end up being devoured. On the one hand, this is tragic and to be avoided at all costs, but on the other, it may lead to what is arguably some of the best musical theatre of the 20th century.

This life takes all sorts so remember to ignore people who say negative things to destroy your zen such as “this is dangerous”, “stop talking to your plant” or “I’m calling the police, this has gotten way out of hand”.

The only voice you need to listen to is your own (and maybe that of the huge plant that has taken over your room and your life).