Four whimsical Christmas jumpers which will hide your cold, dead, soulless interior

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Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. In part, because you can spend all your savings buying your family things they don’t want, and, in return, receive gifts you don’t want.

But mainly because it is an opportunity to hide that you are a mere fragment of the person you once were behind a polyester-mix knitted garment.

‘Prosecco ho ho’

This jumper is perfect for the festive drinker, as well as the year-round drinker. Why just cover the void with a tacky design, when you could also fill it with sherry, and other things that taste like lighter fluid?

Fair Isle print

Simple and effective. Fair Isle is the magnolia of the woollen world. Nobody will notice you are dead inside, because nobody will be paying you any attention at all.

The classic reindeer/ polar bear/ penguin

The small and inaccurate two-dimensional representation on your chest has more ‘get up and go’ than you do, and it is sewed in place with glittery thread.

Anything light up

The bright lights will distract the eyes and nothing says “I am feeling festive and definitely having a fun and enjoyable time” than a hugely impractical jumper that you will never be able to wash.

Remember, it doesn’t end at the jumper. Grab yourself a festive pair of socks as a plain sock at Christmas is a dead giveaway.

Laurie Plowright

Laurie Plowright is a comedian and veterinary student. She is not only self-absorbed and narcissistic, but also wonderful. When she's not neglecting her collection of succulent plants, Laurie improvises with the Cambridge Impronauts, and is the co-founder of Stockings, an inclusive, all-female comedy troupe.