Flaky woman finally arrives on time to discover friends are all dull when sober

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A North London woman was shocked this weekend when she arrived on time to meet her friends, and discovered they were all incredibly uninteresting.

“It was so strange,” said Louise Flatly, 34, better known to her friends as Flaky Louise. “Usually by the time I arrive, they’ve had a round or three of cocktails, then I buy a couple of bottles of rosé to apologise, plus a round of sambucas, and the night just flows from there.”

“But I knew something was up the moment I arrived. Sarah still had her buttons done up, Chanelle wasn’t slurring. Nobody was dancing round a pole. We started discussing the weather, but you could see just by looking out the window that the weather was exactly what you’d expect from this time of year.”

Louise admits she hasn’t been on time for an event since she received her first mobile phone in 1999, and realised she no longer needed to bother. “I usually just text to say I’m stuck at work, pour myself a Baileys, and stick on another episode of Gilmore Girls.”

“But I thought this time I’d make the effort. Within minutes, I wished I’d stayed in Stars Hollow. Veronika had starting discussing her cesarean scar, and I knew this just couldn’t go on.”

“Turns out, for the first hour and a half of any meet up, the girls usually just discuss me, and what a massive, useless flake I am. So we’ve decided from now on I’ll never leave the house until at least two hours after the meeting time. Because our friendship is worth it.”

Claire Wetton

Claire Wetton is a TV, radio and online comedy writer, and was named on the 2017 BBC Talent Hotlist, a fact she likes to shout at strangers, should they be foolish enough to accidentally make eye contact. Her all-time favourite pastime is having men explain comedy to her.