Dogs are for life, not just for Christmas – except for this one I rented to complete my holiday aesthetic

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With more dogs living in shelters than ever before, it’s important to remember that old adage: a dog is for life, not just for Christmas. While an adorable puppy will delight children and adults alike, it is a huge commitment which should never be taken lightly. Except in the case of this stunning and majestic akita, which I am renting off a man on gumtree for an hourly rate and plan on throwing out of the lounge the moment my guests leave on Boxing Day.

No festive décor scheme is complete without a recurring Scandinavian greenery motif, real tree, complementary soft colour scheme and a massive dog which sits in the corner of the room in a threatening and aloof way.

If, like me, you have a severe allergy to dogs, try my clever hack of sitting outside in the cold and staring in through the window. Not only will this save on energy bills, but it also allows you to enjoy homes other than your own!

While you might get attached to a new puppy, you know from the off that this dog belongs to that scary man from the Internet and, if you don’t return it, he will smash your door in with a baseball bat.

My Laura Ashley sofa cushions are in shreds, and my magnolia shag-pile rug has a immovable stain of faecal origins, but the photos my family put on Facebook are completely on brand. My brother’s childhood friends are really going to think I’ve made it!

Laurie Plowright

Laurie Plowright is a comedian and veterinary student. She is not only self-absorbed and narcissistic, but also wonderful. When she's not neglecting her collection of succulent plants, Laurie improvises with the Cambridge Impronauts, and is the co-founder of Stockings, an inclusive, all-female comedy troupe.