Oblivious! Straight white man still has energy to rant about trivial nonsense

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A straight, white man from London who was “surprised” upon learning from the #metoo campaign about “how many sex pests are out there” is one of the only people left with the energy to post long Facebook rants about his first-world problems.

Adam Fletcher, 32, wrote several short essays on topics including, but not limited to, his bin collection day, parents posting too many pictures of their kids online and his grievances with various online retailers’ refund policies.

A friend, Lucy Armitage, 31, explained: “The last couple of years have been really tough on women and minorities. It seems like every day there’s a new, exhausting fight to be had, or that someone’s trying to take away our rights. Adam is neither a woman, nor a minority, and so he hasn’t aged ten years in the last few months.”

“That means he’s still got enough fight in him to have a moan about menu changes at Pizza Express,” she continued, “or that arsehole who overtook him on the motorway. All I’ve been able to think about in recent memory is the fact that racists and sexual predators are in charge of everything, so it must be really nice for Adam to still have the will to get worked up over nothing.”

We reached out to Adam for comment, and he released a 17-part Twitter thread, using all 280 characters, about how unfair it is for others to trivialise his issues, just because some other people might have it worse.

He concluded: “So apparently I’m not even allowed to be upset that I ordered extra olives on my pizza and they put, like, three olives on it, because some people have been abused. The world’s gone mad!”

Sara Gibbs

Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for The Now Show, Dead Ringers, The News Quiz, The Daily Mash and The Mash Report. Sara makes it her business to be at least five years behind the latest trends, so she can devote more time to her Tamagotchi.