Parenting! Hamster bought to teach child about death still very much alive

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A Brighton hamster whose entire purpose in life was to die, in order to teach a young child about death, has just celebrated his fourth birthday.

“When little Timmy was three, his parents thought it would be a great idea to make sure he understood the concept of mortality, before he started school,” explained Hammy the Hamster. “I reckon I was supposed to cark it about a year and a half ago, just in time for the start of term.”

However, Hammy defied the reaper, greatly exceeding his life expectancy of two and a half to three years.

Timmy has since started school and learned all about death by watching class bully, Andy Matherson, 7, squidge a spider.

“What’s my secret?” Grinned Hammy. “A healthy diet, plenty of exercise on my wheel and a lot of positive thinking. I’m definitely going to outlive these fuckers.”

Sara Gibbs

Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for The Now Show, Dead Ringers, The News Quiz, The Daily Mash and The Mash Report. Sara makes it her business to be at least five years behind the latest trends, so she can devote more time to her Tamagotchi.