Woman planning sick day can’t be bothered laying the groundwork

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A woman in South Bermondsey is planning to take a day’s sick leave tomorrow, yet has spent the whole day at work behaving completely normally.

Heather Martin, 31, arrived at her desk this morning on time, left on time, and fulfilled all of her tasks without so much as a weak cough, or a hand to her forehead to say she feels “a bit iffy”.

The assistant account executive even went out during her lunch break, bringing back a hearty meal to eat at her desk, which she enjoyed with gusto.

“No one really notices me at work,” said Heather. “In fact, I’m pretty sure that if I just didn’t turn up, no one would even realise I wasn’t there. I will phone in sick though, because I’m not a total bloody maverick.”

Heather plans to attend her netball team Christmas party tonight, explaining: “There is literally zero chance I will be going work tomorrow. Zero. But I don’t fancy wasting annual leave on netball.”

Heather, who still has eight days of annual leave to take before April, has plans to go to Paris in the spring with her sister, and carry a few days’ leave over to the next financial year, so she can maybe go down to four days a week in the summer.

“Vicci, who sits on the desk next to me did look a bit peaky this afternoon, so I’ve got all my fingers and toes crossed she’s got some kind of tummy bug. Then I can take the whole of the rest of the week off.” says Heather. “Although, come to think of it, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was her darts Christmas night out tonight, too.”

Claire Wetton

Claire Wetton is a TV, radio and online comedy writer, and was named on the 2017 BBC Talent Hotlist, a fact she likes to shout at strangers, should they be foolish enough to accidentally make eye contact. Her all-time favourite pastime is having men explain comedy to her.