Ask Deliciously Stella: How can I help my ugly friend?

Dear Stella,

There is a girl in my friendship group who is really letting the side down. She looks ugly in all of our group photos and I’m worried that she’s putting guys off my sexy friends on nights out. How can I help her?

Nicola Jones, Fulham

Dear Nicola,

Firstly thank you for using your real name. It can be hard to be honest, especially when there are friends involved. It sounds like you have such a great heart. I think I know exactly how to help your friend.

Did you know that eating gluten can result in something called ‘gluten face?’ Gluten face is the number one cause for the appearance of jowels in photographs and has been known to make women look fat and ugly in group photos, videos and boomerangs.

Have you gently suggested that she start eating nothing but ice and dust? Or that she learn how to contour to the point of looking like a cat who got lost in torture gardens? If she’s rich then plastic surgery is an option but NHS waiting lists are long due to selfish people with real problems.

I would sit her down and kindly ask her to either stop eating, or prepare to be cropped out of all group shots until she gets her shit together. Hope this helps!

Mwah!

Stella