Love & sex

Top five ways to subtly tell your boyfriend not to propose

By  | 

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, you may have noticed your boyfriend acting a little suspiciously:  whispered phone calls; “working” on weekends; going down on you.

This is it. He’s finally going to propose! Here are five subtle ways to stop him doing it.

1) Stay flighty

Expect the proposal to come at any time, so be on guard. He wants to go on a walk in the park?  He’ll pop the question by the duck pond. A trip to the cinema? He’s recorded a proposal. You’re trying to bang out a poo and he knocks on the door? Check your stool, he hid it in the Madras!

Disrupt your routine. Make yourself as hard to pin down as possible.  Jump into random taxis while on your date. He pops to the toilet? Flee the restaurant and hide in a nearby bush!  Most importantly, don’t accept any invitations to do anything – ever!

2) Break all your fingers

Simple one, this – he can’t offer a ring if your fingers look like half-chewed Pepperami. Plus, every time he holds your hand, you’ll scream bloody murder, which will really undermine his confidence!

3) Demand your father’s blessing

Remind him that your father is a stickler for tradition and you couldn’t possibly marry someone without his blessing. Most guys are prepared to believe their prospective in-laws think their little girl is still a virgin, but they’ll be more than a little rattled when you reveal your dad will insist on you and him conducting a “test drive” before the wedding night.

4) Kill a badger

It’s hard to be romantic when there’s the bloodied corpse of a badger on the kitchen table.

5) Mark your territory

What’s his is yours and what’s yours is also yours. If you’re married, you’re entitled to half of everything, so start as you mean to go on. Split all his clothes in half and take your cut, demand he give half his friends over to you. Also, pee on everything!

Lewis Cook

Writer, comic and medium-range bastard, Lewis is a student of the National Film and Television School and has written for Dead Ringers and Newsjack. He hopes to make enough from comedy to one day retire and run a sanctuary for sheep with low self-esteem.