Health & Fitness

Woman who Googled her symptoms “definitely” has cancer

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A west London woman has diagnosed herself with “at least three” different types of cancer after Googling her symptoms.

Jenny McPhail, 24, turned to the web for advice when she noticed some highly unusual changes in her body.

“I had a cough for a while, which was fairly unpleasant; that was my first major sign,” explained Jenny. “But then I started getting short of breath when I ran up the stairs, and I knew at that point it was probably something awful.”

“I checked all the usual stuff, you know, stress levels, diet, exercise, but it didn’t add up. I don’t drink or smoke, I love my job and I go swimming regularly. To everyone else, I guess I must appear completely healthy.”

Unfortunately, Jenny’s Google search had different ideas: “It turns out that all these little symptoms can be explained away very easily by bringing cancer into the equation. Like the other night, I was having a lovely night in with a friend, you know, watching a film over a curry and a couple of bottles of red wine. The next morning I don’t even want to tell you what I saw in the toilet bowl. It couldn’t have been stress that caused that – I was having a lovely evening!”

“I mean, I have almost no medical knowledge or experience,” she continued, “but thanks to the Internet, I’m able to diagnose myself pretty much immediately. It’s great. In a few years’ time, I don’t think we’ll even need a health service.”

“I’m being very philosophical about my illness. I’m just that kind of person really, always have been. I suppose it was inevitable; Cancer’s my star sign.”

Olivia Phipps

Olivia works as a freelance something-or-other in TV comedy, and has made tea on some of the very best (and utter worst) shows on telly. She also does bits and pieces for the British Comedy Guide and the Comedian’s Comedian Podcast. She hopes that her writing will have more clarity than this bio.