Health & Fitness

Nurse granted sick leave after conducting your smear test

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The NHS faces yet another upcoming crisis today, as a plethora of nurses around the country are being given time off after overseeing a number of traumatic and mentally scarring smear tests.

GP clinics and treatment rooms lie empty as thousands of our hard-working medical marvels claim they’ve seen “one vagina too many”.

A smear, or cervical screening test, is a long standing means of detecting abnormal, and sometimes pre-cancerous, cells on the entrance to the womb. It is currently offered every few years in the UK to women aged 25-65. They continue to alert women early to any potential problems and have saved many lives in doing so, but sadly, it does mean getting up close and personal with the female patients, for the unfortunate surgery staff carrying them out.

“I mean we can cope with the poor pay, long hours and mental and physical strain of the job, but the sight of a groomed and perfumed front bottom is enough to make me want to hand in my notice,” Jaqueline Hurst, a 41-year-old nurse from Wigan, confessed. “I don’t even look at my own that much. Heaven only knows what the male nurses must go through!”

Jeremy Hunt is currently in talks as to a means of resolving this issue saying he understands their plight, though his is being called rather rude names for genitals multiple times daily, rather than treating or tending to them.

Following their leave, it is planned to reintroduce and acclimatise these nurse back into work through the less distressing and disgusting jobs, for example dealing with poorly stored specimen samples and cleaning oozing wounds.

Jokes aside, cervical screening saves lives. Find out more about cervical screening here and if you’re overdue one, give your GP a bell today to book your test.

Lucy Roper

Lucy works full time for the BBC (any views expressed here are her own, unless you really dislike them) and is a part-time stand-up. She made it to the final of the Laughing Horse New Act Of The Year 2015, and has been largely unsuccessful since.