Woman who never got into Harry Potter growing up goes on to have normal and happy adult life

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A group of friends has been rocked by the revelation that Vita Oldmoore, 25, “doesn’t give a shit” which Hogwarts house she is in.

Former friend and lifelong Hufflepuff, Shannon Welch, 28, said: “Vita always seemed like a happy, normal person. I can’t believe she’s been hiding the terrible secret that she doesn’t enjoy books aimed at children.”

“Honestly, I would be less surprised if she had Daniel Radcliffe’s face tattooed over her own face, because at least I could understand that as a Harry Potter-motivated action.”

Vita defended herself, saying: “I never really got into Harry Potter as a kid, and now I’m an adult I prefer to read grown-up books, like Infinite Jest or The Dictionary.

“If I wanted to read about kids getting to go to a great school that teaches them magic tricks to circumvent the rest of society just because they come from the right family, I’d pick up a British newspaper.”

“Not liking Harry Potter hasn’t held me back in my career or personal life,” she continued, “but I do resent the fourteen times each day that someone screams ‘philistine!’ at me in the street just because I don’t have a ‘slithering scarf’ or a ‘golden snatch.’”

Despite her ambivalence towards the series, Vita said that finding out Dumbledore was gay made her more interested in the books as progressive works of children’s literature. She said: “I guess the real magic is that JK Rowling has found a spell which retrospectively turns her into a great ally.”

Unfortunately, her newfound interest didn’t wash with Shannon, who decided to sever all contact with Vita Oldmoore. Shannon told our reporter: “I wouldn’t be surprised if her name was an anagram of ‘I am Lord Voldemort.’ I’ve always been suspicious that her middle name is just the four consonants ‘RLMD.’”

Zoë Tomalin

Zoë is a comedian and assistant producer of TV shows, including ‘Room 101’ and 'Hypothetical'. She is a former member of the Cambridge Footlights and regularly performs as part of high-energy deadpan sketch outfit, Siân & Zoë. Despite her novelty pink hair, Zoë is an insufferable nihilist, but none of this matters.