Exclusive! “I’m sorry you feel that way” NOT substitute for actual apology

By  | 

New research has brought forth conclusive evidence that “I’m sorry you feel that way” is not actually a real apology.

Leading lexicologist Simone Avery, 50, in her newest book Words That Deceive, Relieve and Conceive, which explores the nature of ‘amende honorable’ in the English language, has proven that phrases such as “I was joking, sorry” do not constitute genuine expressions of regret.

Further apologetic attempts which were discounted in Avery’s book include: “I’m sorry if I offended you”, “I’m sorry you have taken it this way” and “I’m sorry but [insert literally anything]”.

Avery began her research in 1987 following an argument with her husband, Clark Avery, 50, over whether or not she is always the one to walk the family dog (Harry, 8).

She explained: “He said ‘I’m sorry if you feel that way’, and then continued to watch Blankety Blank.

Avery, however, says we can justify the use of such “nonpologies” with Freudian psychoanalysis. “After all,” explains Words That Deceive, Relieve and Conceive’s final chapter, “it is potentially only a subconscious decision to overlook the recipient’s autonomous emotional rights.”

“It’s all in the ‘id’. And your ‘id’ says you’re a dickhead.”

But is this true? Are our friends, partners, and family really only sorry about the fact that your feelings exist and are disrupting their own emotional feng shui? Or is this merely a slip of the tongue? (Spoiler alert: It is not a slip of the tongue.)

On his inclusion in the research, Clark Avery commented: “I’m not sure why my apologies have not been taken as sincere, but OK, fine.”

Verity Babbs

Verity Babbs is a stand-up, sketch and improvised comedian with the Oxford Revue and Oxford Imps. Her performance mostly involves sticking ham to herself and declaring that she is “Hamlips, Prince of Denmark”.