Love & sex

Amazing! Semi-regular game of five-a-side still hasn’t made David interesting

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A Wiltshire man has broken records today after managing to remain thoroughly uninteresting despite the introduction of a thrilling pastime.

David Neilson, 27, was amazed to discover that his bi-weekly “kickabouts” did not earn him a single additional point in the personality department.

“I’ve always thought that having a hobby I’m passionate about was a fantastic and unique touch,” David spoke of the revelation, “but I guess liking football just isn’t enough to hang my entire identity on.”

This moment of clarity came after David enthused about his amateur interest to Rebecca Hunter, 25, while on a date with her after meeting at a work event. A red flag, or indeed, card, was immediately raised after she failed to muster a response to the information that was anymore in-depth than “oh, cool” or “nice.”

“It’s an impressive feat,” Rebecca said at the scene. “It takes real skill to talk about yourself to another person for 20 minutes, while still leaving them feeling absolutely nothing.”

David continues to make great strides, shifting his focus to his other deeply average areas of interest.

“I’ve got plenty of strings to my conversational bow, like how I feel about the colour beige, or how I work in finance.”

Jodie Irvine

Jodie is a writer, actor and improviser. She has the stature of a child and loves having it pointed out to her by people she doesn't know very well. Jodie was voted "funniest girl in the year" in 2010 and has been riding that high ever since.