Man wins Nobel Peace Prize for seeking permission prior to sending dick pic

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A Newcastle man has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, worth over $1million, for his pioneering approach to the distribution of dick pics.

Jason Holmes, 27, is to be honoured for seeking consent prior to sending a dick pic, in what the Nobel selection committee have dubbed “a revolutionary act in the field of gender equality.”

Jason, who works in SEO, will tonight attend the prizegiving ceremony in Oslo, Norway. The digital marketeer has been hailed by many as the “natural successor to Malala Yousafzai.”

“I met this a bird in a bar one night,” said Jason. “She was absolutely bang tidy, you know, amazing body. Below average face, but you don’t look at the mantelpiece when you’re poking the fire, and she seemed canny enough. I’ve always been charitable like that.”

Feminist icon, Jason, continued: “We exchanged numbers and started Snapchatting. Before we knew it, we had a ten-day streak going. One day I was about to send her a dick pic, because I really like my penis and thought she would too. I applied a nice monochrome filter, you know, everything looks better in black and white, and I was about to hit send when I thought, what if she’s having a cup of tea with her nana? So I asked her first.” 

Jessica Murray, an 18-year-old student from Belfast, was astonished to receive this written request for consent. “Normally lads just go right in there and hit send without warning, but not Jason. He’s a real gent. Dead old-fashioned. I suppose he has to make up for his micropenis somehow.”

Humanitarian Jason, who has quit his job in SEO, plans to use the prize money to fund a dick pic messenger service with speciality enlargement filters. The not-for-profit app, tentatively titled Bonebook, will be Holmes’s way to “give back to an underprivileged community.”

Laura Steven

Laura Steven is an author and journalist from the northernmost town in England. Her writing has appeared in The i Paper, The Guardian and Buzzfeed, and The Exact Opposite of Okay, her YA debut, will be published by Egmont in March 2018. By day, Laura works for Mslexia, a non-profit organisation supporting women writers. She has a BA in Journalism and an MA in Creative Writing, and her TV pilot, Clickbait, reached the final eight in British Comedy's 2016 Sitcom Mission. Laura is represented by Suzie Townsend of New Leaf Literary and Media Inc.