Sexy! Five must-have household objects you definitely have not tried to masturbate with already

What a woman doesn’t get up to in the privacy of her own home with various traumatised inanimate objects is nobody’s business. Here are five everyday household items that we’re all definitely using for their intended purpose. Honest!

The organic recycled loofah

For the lady of leisure, the loofah is the essential bathtime companion, with its gentle brushes to exfoliate the body and stimulate your skin in a totally nourishing and not-sexual way.

Plus, this one comes with the bonus of it being ethically sound. Think of the endless possibilities of what this wood used to be; perhaps cut down by a hunky Canadian lumberjack, this used to be the wood cabin where said lumberjack yearned for the sweet company of a beautiful woman who happened to have dry skin…

Light some candles, put on some smooth jazz and lie back as you exfoliate your brains out.

The travel toothbrush holder

An accessory for the modern woman, this small oblong plastic container not only comes in a variety of pleasing pastels, but is ideal for travelling – or, more realistically, convincing your sexy bohemian housemate that you’re also a free spirit who loves to travel – with a practical mind for hygiene of course.

You can get ones large enough for your electric toothbrush, although it may be prone to turning them on when they are inside, which may be annoying. After all, what can you do with a big vibrating wipe-clean case, huh?

Just make sure whichever one you buy, you test how securely it closes, as you wouldn’t want it popping open in an inconvenient place such as your…bag.

The retro beanbag

For those who love the ’90s throwback trend, beanbags were the furniture of the era and we gladly welcome their return. After all, who doesn’t want to return to the time of scrunchies, VHS and young girls not really sure why they enjoyed adjusting themselves on the beanbag so much?

Have your friends come over for a “chill” and “totally tubular” dinner party and relive that same confusion as you reach for the wine and feel that old stirring deep within you… What is it? Ah yes, nolstalgia.

Your brother’s old toy rocket

For a quirkier look on a budget, why not upcycle and give old toys (which you never had but always desired) new life?

You may have admired its curvature from your brother’s toy box from afar, but now you can make it your own as this rocket is an adorable blend of kitsch space and ’50s aesthetics.

Its bold colours can give your beige walls that much-needed pop, especially that big round red end, and with this in your bedroom you can finally blast off into deep, deep space.

That weird oblong sculpture your mum bought

To be honest, you’re not entirely sure what it is, but it is rather intimidating and sort of reminds you of your dad.

Impose its strong forms onto you and your friends as you admire its weird, asymmetrical bumps and stroke its cold, hard, unfeeling surface – ridged for your (aesthetic) pleasure.

And while it may not be soft, lovable or capable of expressing affection for any sculpture children it would have, at least it’s wipe clean.