Woman has existential crisis after being left alone to browse in Lush

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A woman has thanked family and friends for their support, following a particularly upsetting incident which occurred while shopping in York town centre on Saturday morning.

“I popped into Lush because I was looking for a present for my niece,” said Louise Wallace, 23. “When I entered the shop, the assistant just said ‘hello’, and then turned away. At the time, I thought nothing of it, but then I touched a soap and she still didn’t come rushing over to ask me if I’d ever used soap before.”

It wasn’t until I had got all the way to the face masks without being asked to smell anything, that sIe really started to panic,” continued Louise. “I couldn’t understand why the assistant wasn’t trying to make eye contact. That’s when I began to wonder if she could even see me? If it weren’t for the fact that the place bloody reeked of jasmine, I’d have questioned whether I was there at all.”

“By the time I reached the bath bombs, I had a profound sense of loneliness, like I was surrounded by the futility of existence. There was a sign on the wall that said: ‘Find the perfect scent for you’, but how could I possibly do that on my own? I didn’t even know who I was anymore. What was the point to it all anyway?”

Luckily for Louise, the reluctant assistant wasn’t the only member of staff working in the store that day and assistant manager Tasha Gupta, 28, was able to step in.

“I was talking a customer through what shampoo is, when I noticed the lady staring into a jelly bomb. You could see straight away she was confronting the realisation that the universe is more complex, mysterious, larger and beyond current human understanding than we could ever imagine, so I went over and fortunately I was able to bring her round with a series of questions about her skin type.”

Lush has released a statement regarding the incident saying: ‘We are investigating the report fully, but at this stage, it would seem that a less experienced member of staff was attempting to allow the customer to browse, which is a clear breach of store policy. We are implementing extra training to ensure that this doesn’t happen again and we apologise for any distress caused.”

However, Louise remains shaken by the incident. “What worries me is that they might do this to someone who has never been to Lush before has no idea how soap works. They need constant, relentless assistance, bordering on harassment, or they, too, could begin to question their very being. I’ve never had to confront the futility of my own existence before and I’m a beauty blogger, so if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.”

Jenny Laville

Jenny is a comedy writer with credits including The News Quiz, The Now Show, NewsJack, Huffpost and lots of other stuff far too impressive to mention. Jenny also does stand-up and is part of sketch group ‘Rule of Three’, though she tends to work from home as she is ‘a bit much’ in real life.